Style Invitational Week 1183: C’mon, be honest Plus ‘BBC And Chill’ and other winning ABC, BAC, etc., phrases If they were more honest, car manufacturers would market "self-braking" cars as "texting-enabling." (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Entertainment July 7 *If carmakers were more honest, they would be marketing automatic braking as “texting-enabling.” *(Chris Doyle) *If the prunes called Sunsweet Ones were sold more honestly, they would be called Twos.* (Jeff Contompasis) *If graduate schools were more honest, they’d be called Holding Patterns.* (Phil Frankenfeld) This week’s contest sprang from some Loserly musings a while back on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook (yes, you too can join!on.fb.me/invdev — the Devotees will even anagram your name as a welcoming gift). Loser 4 Ever Jeff Contompasis had reported “a germ of a contest idea festering in my brain. If X were more Y it would be Z.” Other Devotees, their brains perhaps similarly festering, weighed in with more ideas. We’ll go with one of the suggested Y’s: *This week: Write something in roughly the form of “If X were more honest, (then) Y,”* as in the examples above. Melissa Balmain, a poet who teaches at the University of Rochester, will be adding this fine prize to her many other awards and accolades. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) *NEW: No more emailing entries! Instead, submit them at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1183 (all lowercase). * Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place The Illumibowl, a battery-operated, motion-activated device that lights up your toilet bowl in your choice of six colors, or a continuous rotation. (At least yellow is not among them.) If you aspire to compose some blue humor for a future Invite, we gotcher inspiration-throne right here. Donated by That Very Same Jeff Contompasis. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model “This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude” or “Falling Jest Short.” First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 18; results published Aug. 7 (online Aug. 4). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week’s results and the honorable-mentions subhead are both by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . *ABC’ing You: Report from Week 1179* *In Week 1179 * we asked for some fanciful ABC (or BAC, CBA, etc.) phrases. “Maniacal Noxious Orange: trending color in spray-on tans,” by 155-time Loser Bird Waring, was certainly fanciful, but a tad alphabetically challenged. Loser. This week’s prize, the Illumibowl, is perfect for a “Game of Thrones” fan. Here’s one of the six colors the motion-activated light offers. (Illumibowl.com) 4th place: *Business Class Alternative:* Leg-shortening surgery so you can fly comfortably in coach. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md., who’s about 6-6) 3rd place: *Carolina Bathroom Attendants:* “Our business is watching yours.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) 2nd place and thefarting-grandpa bubble machine : *Aryan Battle Cry:* “They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime. They’re rapists . . . ” (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: *Cot And Bagel:* A low-budget bed and breakfast. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) A Cut Below: honorable mentions *Concealing By Acronym:* A way of hiding one’s true message, as in “*MAKE AMERICA G*et *R*eally *E*xclusive *A*nd *T*errifying *AGAIN.*” (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Assured Commercial Bankruptcy:* What was stamped on the business loan application for Leakies brand diapers. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.) *Anesthesia by Clinton:* Box set of the candidate’s favorite policy speeches. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *Before Advent of Cellphones:* Term denoting ancient times. “Your mom’s hairstyle is, like, BAC.” (Edward Gordon, Austin) *Aluminum Blocking Chapeau:* For those special occasions when your ordinary tinfoil hat just won’t do. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.) *Aging-Brain Cramp:* Also known as a senior moment. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *Audacious Brass Cojones:* A “presidential” quality required to utter phrases like “I am not a crook,” “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” or “The Hispanics love me!” (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Census Approximation Bureau:* The government’s plan to save billions by hiring one guy to browse Google Maps on an iPhone. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *Cummerbunds And Beanies:* Specialty fashion store that quickly fired its market research team. (Jeff Shirley) *BBC And Chill:* The Anglophile’s alternative to Netflix. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) *Bactrian Cataract Acupuncture:* An alternative medical procedure in which a needle is passed through the eye of a camel. (Chris Doyle) *Below-Average Children:* Lake Wobegon’s dirty little secret. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.) *Certified Business Abomination:* The creep in accounting who wants to go over your travel claim with you in person. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) *Beltway’s Congested Again:* Metro’s new slogan, replacing “Sometimes We’re Not on Fire” (Alex Jeffrey, Columbia, Md.) *“Arty! (Carnage! Boobs!)”:* How “Game of Thrones” was pitched to HBO. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Boneless Chicken Association:* Raising rubbery, nugget-shaped birds since 1983. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.) *“A Bear!” (Crunch.):* The final line in Quentin Tarantino’s new Goldilocks film. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) *Collective Boinking Agreement:* Needed when there are lots of friends with lots of benefits. (Duncan Stevens) *Angry Birds Champion:* What you should not list under “Awards” on your résumé. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Cows Blasting Aardvarks:* “Shouldn’t we try to think of something other than another Angry Birds rip-off, boss?” “Whatever; just code something and get it out the door.” (Will Cramer, Herndon, Va.) *“A Bollywood Christmas”:* The Hallmark Channel tries “diversity.” (John Hutchins) *Bunyan’s Ax Conundrum:* Why is it that even though he’s got the biggest tool, the best Babe he can get is an ox? (Mark Raffman) *Carbon-Based Assistance:* Highly unusual phenomenon occurring when your call to customer service is answered by an actual human. (Hildy Zampella) *Cut And Bun:* A discount cosmetic surgery clinic. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *“Affairs, Being, Confusion”:* How fifth-grade wiseacre Ethan Splunk responded when asked by his geography teacher to name three states. (Kimberly Baer, Woodbridge, Va.) *Congressional Buyout Auction:* Where lobbyists do their bidding to ensure that Congress also does their bidding. (Jon Gearhart) *Anheuser-Busch Casket:* It’s the king of biers! (Chris Doyle) /And Last: / *Be Awarded Crap:* Motivational cheer for Style Invitational entrants. (Duncan Stevens) *Still running — deadline Monday night, July 11: Our What3Words map discovery contest. See bit.ly/invite1182. *